If you dont want to be forgotten as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write something worth reading or do things worth the writing. Benjamin Franklin

utorok 24. augusta 2010

Honesty is Honestly The Hardest Thing

Maybe you know that feeling. That damn bad feeling when you just wanna tell the truth and nothing else. You try as hard as you can. It burns your tongue and it aches inside. You want to spill those words out, no matter what. But then something stops you from doing so. But what? What is that? You don´t want to hurt those people?
It isn´t fair. But world isn´t fair. And just like that, the truth is not very pleasant. Mostly the truthful truth. And there are many people who are afraid of the truth, or they don´t like it.
So what to do? Hold yourself back?
Honestly, sometimes the truth they tell me hurts. Sure that it does. But I don´t like being lied to.
And then it happens. I can no more hold the words inside, so I spill them out. And then I realize that it was NOT what I wanted to say. I so suck in it!
So hell... Am I bad person if I am once honest?

FTW!

Great, just great...

piatok 20. augusta 2010

Teší ma, som Palo

Silvia: Ahoj, ja som Palo. Teší ma!
Lukáš: Nie! Ja som Palo!
Silvia: Nie, ja som Palo! Inak, teší ma, som Palo.
Lukáš: Asi sme Palovia potom obaja. Tak potom aj mňa veľmi teší!
Barborka: Nie! Ja som prvý a jediný Palo!
Silvia: Ó super, teší ma, Palo!
Lukáš: Vieš čo, Baša!! Ja sa tu snažím zoznámiť s Palom a ty to tu kazíš!
Silvia: Áno, presne tak, ty fake Palo! Súhlasím tuto s Palom.
Barborka: Kto je Baša???
Lukáš: Zomieram...
Silvia: Aaaa...
Lukáš: No veľmi sa neteš. Bude o jedného Pala menej.
Silvia: Ó nie, Pali, neumieraj!
Lukáš: Dobre, že si to ty, Pali, zostanem tu. A kde je ten pseudo Pali, čo to vymyslel?
Dominika: Aj ja chcem byť Palo!
Silvia: Pseudo Palo zomrel. Áno, ďalší Palo do skupinky! Hurá!
Barborka: Ja nie som PSEUDO Palo, ja som JEDINÝ Palo! A vy ostatní ste len... priemerní Palovia.
Lukáš: Zostávam tu! Teda sme traja Palovia, plus jeden po smrti... Minúta ticha!
Silvia: Ja som vrchný Palo!Nevydržala som a musela som povedať: Rest In Peace Fake Palo!
Dominika: Ďakujem, aj ja som Palo zhodou okolností!
Lukáš: Náhoda je sviňa! 
Silvia: Jééj, to je zlaté, zoznámte sa, Palovia!
Lukáš: Tak ja som Palo a volám sa Palo. A čo vy?
Silvia: Aj ja som Palo a volám sa Palo a inak som Palo a čo vy?
Barbora: Ale riť palovu, ja som tu Palo! Ja sa pôjdem sťažovať do Haagu!
Silvia: Prečo do Haagu? Je tam nejaké zasadanie Palov alebo čo? To aby som šla. Ja som inak kráľovná Palov.
Lukáš: Hej je.
Dominika: Tak ja už idem, Palovia. Opúšťam komunitu Palov a idem snívať o Palovi.
Silvia: Tak pekné sníčky, Palo, nech sa ti sníva veľa o Paloch!
Lukáš: Brú noc, Pali!

utorok 17. augusta 2010

Ona II.

Pocit déja-vu, keď ňou prebehne nepatrná bolesť. Iba milisekundová, ale aj to jej stačí, možnože bolesť je jej droga. Pozrie sa do zrkadla, obdivuje svoj nový pírsing. Síce má pocit, akoby nemala jazyk, ale jej to za ten kovový kus a dieru v ňom stojí. A možno je len masochistka, ale bolesť zbožňuje.
Zaplatila a vyšla von do studeného zimného vzduchu. Silný vietor jej rozfúkal vlasy a votrel sa do bundy. Zababušila sa a rozmýšľala, kam teraz. Pocit šťastia z nej ešte nevyprchal, tak sa rozhodla ísť to osláviť. Vošla do svojej obľúbenej kaviarne, objednala si Caffe Latte, svoj obľúbený nápoj. Keď si chcela nájsť miesto na sedenie, zbadala, že na ňu niekto kýva. Podišla k ich stolu, kde sedel Evan aj s tou hnedovláskou, čo vedela tak dobre zazerať.  No nepoznali sa bližšie, a tak nemohla povedať, aká v skutočnosti je.
Rozprávali sa, o tých obyčajných témach ako škola, brigády, proste život. Káva pomaly chladla, ale jej úsmev ešte nie. Evan bol skvelý spoločník, ten chlapec z minulosti, čo vždy vedel rozosmiať. Jazyk už napuchol do pekne veľkých rozmerov.
Zrazu pri ich stole stála Ever s priateľom. Usmievala sa, ale len tak polovičato. Odvtedy, čo sa pohádali sa už aj stihli uzmieriť, no stále tam bolo niečo nevypovedané.
Veď aj je, stále nemôže zabudnúť na tie slová, ktoré sa jej dookola omieľajú v hlave ako obohraná pieseň. Vybíjaš si na mne svoje komplexy... Mám iné starosti ako teba...
Načo spomínať? Je to nanič a k ničomu to nevedie. Ak sa chce pohnúť ďalej, musí zabudnúť, no nie? Tak to funguje. Dostaneš ranu, ak chceš prežiť, zabudni.
V sliepňajúcom svetle februárového podvečera jej zrak spočinul na zápästí. Aké klišé! Ako z lacného amerického filmu. No tie svoje psychologické reči si môžu strčiť. Ona im o ne nestojí. Možno je blázon. Je? A nie je každý tak trocha bláznom? Mimo reality?
Nebola vždy taká. Pamätá si, síce hmlisto, ako chodili s Evanom von, aj s ich partiou, zabávali sa. Pamätá si na všetky tie výlety, školy v prírode, narodeninové oslavy, úteky a návraty. Ako si trinásť- štrnásťročné decká mysleli, že im patrí celý svet.
Pocit eufórie vyletel von oknom. Zo snívania ju vytrhlo až zatrasenie ramenom.
„V poriadku?“ skoro zakričala Ever.
„Áno, prečo by nemalo byť?“
„Lebo vyzeráš ako múmia?“ odpovedal Evan. „Stalo sa niečo?“
Pokrútila hlavou. Veď nie.
Nechali to tak. Je divná a vie to. Nepomôže si. Nevie sa pretvarovať a ani nechce. Mala by ísť domov, aj keď sa jej nechce. Všetci ostatní sa tiež začali dvíhať a poberali sa k odchodu. Pred kaviarnou sa začali lúčiť, ale ona bola akosi mimo počtu. Zakričala: „Už musím, tak sa majte,“ ale veľa pozornosti si nevynútila, a tak bežala preč.
Doma si pozorne prehliadla svoj nový pírsing. Už sa jej nepozdával ako predtým.

štvrtok 5. augusta 2010

Run Away, devil

He told me it was okay to be scared of what we were about to do. But frankly, I wasn´t scared. I was so excited about that whole thing. I had prepared properly; I made a short list-to-do to myself so that I won´t forget about anything. I packed my bag and took all of my savings. It was easy to smile back then I remember, I was so simply happy. Everything was great, the day was great and we both were great. Yeah, nothing seemed to harm this situation.
That big day, I got up with automatic smile upon face. I ate my breakfast, brushed my teeth, washed my hair. Like every morning; and still it was absolutely different. I could almost touch the desire that swam around and around in the air. Well, at least my parents and siblings acted as usual and seemed not to notice anything. There were holidays on so me and my two brothers and sister didn´t have to go to school. They invited me to have a play of football with them, and because I thought I wasn´t able to just sit and wait I agreed. It was exciting, I must admit. My siblings are really different personalities but we always got along with each other.
By the time afternoon was ending I excused myself for being tired. When I got to my room my heart was beating like a hummer and I felt so light. I redressed myself and got out of our house fast. We were supposed to meet somewhere near the park so I took bus.
He was late, like always. I got used to it. He kissed me hard and I suddenly knew he was not sure. He didn´t tell anything and instead drove the car. I was looking at him for ten minutes, and felt my stomach tight. Joy was replaced by pure adrenaline. Our lives went awkwardly on but our minds stopped on one point and could not move on. Will it work out?
The twilight stood silently upon fields and whole country. We were already on the highway and there were just few cars. He drove like crazy. I opened the window and the air froze immediately. The country behind the windows reminded me of my favourite song:
 In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.
If I could make my own world, I would do it that way. Something like it was in that fairytale Alice in the wonderland. But without violence, without people equal to each other. In my world there is no pain, there are no lies. You cannot betray and hurt anybody and anybody can hurt you. Maybe that is why I am running. I could not bear the lies and all that pain anymore. But, well, I got scared like hell when he speeded up to two hundred kilometres. It was quite enough. However, not for him. He continued. I screamed. He suddenly pushed the brake. Fortunately there was no car behind us. Now that I am looking back I am sure I almost coughed my heart out. I hit my forehead and my right eye. There was blood. Lot of blood. I started to laugh.
In that moment, there was this song on the radio:
You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath those city lights
There walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But i'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life.
Can you imagine that feeling when a thought and truth hits you and you realize you had been wrong all that time you had been worrying for something? My mum always told me I have right to do my own decisions in life and to choose what I want from life. Pity that since I have grown up my parents never really let me decide by myself. But what every teenage child do instead of listening to the parents? I think every one of them do it by themselves. It was what I have done, too. I found a boyfriend. And they did not like him. I continued to meet him even when they did not agree. I skipped school. I smoked. I drunk alcohol. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.
The more they tried to keep me under control the more I rebelled. I wanted everything and nothing. I cannot think up any from my thoughts. They were simply blackened.
A flash of light from lamp beside the highway lightened me and I caught a reflection of my face in the mirror. Firstly I did not recognize it- whose face is that? I have changed so rapidly. When did that happen?
What I can simply remember is my dream job. As far as I can remember, I wanted to become a doctor. Maybe surgeon or internist. That was what I was pretending to be. I played with my siblings and pretended to treat them. Once I had operated on my guinea pig. Since that I was not given any other animal. Then, few years ago, at one accident I cut off my finger. It did not hurt that bad. I showed it to mum and she nearly fainted. Since then I was not allowed to take any of the knives we have had at home.
As the years passed by, my desire grew stronger. I was decided. I want to study medicine. I have to study medicine. I will study medicine. But as everything in life, what I wanted was not what I had. My marks were not good. Our biology teacher did not like me. I nearly did not made it to the other grade.
I hated school. But now I must admit I felt just fine there. Well, I have never been that kind of a girl that was so popular and everybody liked her. Or that kind of girl that was hated. I was nearly invisible girl.
When my teenage years came, I felt like I do not belong anywhere. I felt the need to belong somewhere- you know, like a special group of teenagers, the ones you can see in schools- nerds, hotties, punkers, skaters, and so on. But I did not feel like I really belong somewhere. I felt kinda different and thus unspecial. But what is important about being special but in fact being the same? Copying of the ideas was not seen to be uncool then. What I have learned, is that being different really matters. People do not like fakes, even if their are pretending to.
I nearly fall asleep. That is the problem of driving in night. I was little bit afraid of night and darkness. Even though I knew that the bad things do not have to be all dark and doom from the outside. But it was a fear from childhood- I do not remember much, but all I do is that I was walking, and it was quite cold, nearly freezing, I was surrounded by night and a strange mist and I was running. I do not why or what happened. Then suddenly some pair of strange arms were holding me, I was crying and shouting, and that is the point when I always get up in the middle of a nightmare. This dream repeats all over, night by night, from the time I was eight.
            My mobile phone rang. As the signal tone I had a song from Bob McFerrin:
Ain't got no place to lay your head 
Somebody came and took your bed 
Don't worry, be happy 
The land lord say your rent is late 
He may have to litigate 
Don't worry, be happy 
Look at me I am happy 
Don't worry, be happy 
            It was my mum, but I did not answer it. Anyway, I did not want her to know where I am. And I was buying myself more time to think about all that mess in my head.
            If I had rather gone running than this! How I love the feeling of the air shivering through my hair, the freedom of my being, the lightness of body and each pain I feel. It makes me feel alive. Alive and free. But what I love the most about running is how can I think over and solve my problems during running. I try not to think about running and let my mind be blown in other directions. It is a perfect relaxation.
            A small photo came to my sight. There were three persons- my best friends and me. It was a bit old photo taken three years ago. Both of them I knew for what it seemed to me like ages. The three of us now attend different schools in different towns, but we meet every weekend. It feels like a little piece of my old person gets alive and lives for a while. They can make me smile and laugh even in the worst times.
            I smiled. And then I was not sure about that journey. I wanted to run away but in that moment I did not want to. How can I be so sheepish that I do not want to try again and give up everything just because some things do not go the way I want them? I cannot be such a coward. Maybe I should try harder. And be better. I was stupid. But I wanted to change. And now I found the strength.
            He disappeared.  My own devil that made me to do all of this vanished. I hope he will not come back again. And if yes, I need to be prepared.
It was about midnight when I decided to drive back home. Maybe this means a new beginning for me. Maybe not, but it surely means something. 

Eternity

As far as the day is ending now
It´s worth to survive the night somehow
Maybe the sunrise will stop the tortures
An we can still experience some other guilty pleasures


Though we keep praying for the night of eternity
Pretending there is more of this hilarious dignity
I see through all the precious startings
They all end up in vicious fightings


So long and to ever meet again
Can it wash away the pain?
That´s why i keep praying for the night
We need this everlasting right...

Ona (poviedka na pokračovanie)

ONA- cítila sa nepochopená, vyradená zo spoločnosti. Patrí niekam? Je súčasťou niečoho, alebo len tak blúdi životom? Načo je snívať, keď sny ostávajú len snami? Načo mať vieru, keď sa nemôžeme presvedčiť o jej pravosti? Všetko sa raz skončí, a to bez výnimky. Aj svet sa raz skončí.
Cítila sa sama. Má ešte stále rada tých istých ľudí? Či už nedokáže ani len to? Má ešte niekto rád ju? Prečo sa neozvú, nedajú vedieť o svojej existencii? Ak by odišla, chýbala by im? Vedela, že nie je nijako špeciálna, originálna, ani ničím výnimočná. Ale videla pred sebou svoj cieľ, tak jasne ako najžiarivejšiu hviezdu na oblohe, a predsa tak ďaleko- chce po sebe zanechať značku, ktorú čas nezmyje. Najhoršie však bolo, že už aj ten cieľ jej prestával mať zmysel či význam.
Prestala sa snažiť, ale v kútiku duše vedela, že dúfa, že čosi ešte len príde. 
Nádych, výdych, nádych, výdych, tak jej to raz poradila psychologička, ku ktorej ju poslali rodičia, keď sa zbláznili a rozhodli sa rozviesť. Hlboký nádych a hlboký výdych. Pulz niekde vo výšinách, neovládateľný tlkot srdca, slzy na ceste von z očí. Prečo, tá zatratená otázka, prečo ja?!
Obrátila sa k nej chrbtom. Potrebovala trocha priestoru, trochu čerstvého vzduchu, inak to nezvládne. Priateľka Ever za ňou nešla, zrejme sa nechcela zaoberať takou hysterkou, akou určite je, pomyslela si.
Je to len blbosť, o nič nejde. Sú to len moje narodeniny, snažila sa presvedčiť sama seba. O nič nejde. O nikoho. Ja som nikto, tak ako z tej básne od Emily Dickinson- I am nobody.
Pretrpela školu, myšlienky jej blúdili niekde v oblakoch, ale tentoraz boli tie oblaky čierne ako olovo. Keď zazvonilo na koniec vyučka, zamiešala sa do tej masy študentov túžiacich čo najrýchlejšie vypadnúť z tej diery. No každý z nich mal s kým ísť domov, ona nie. Tvárila sa ako vždy, nenápadne, neviditeľne. „Je to, akoby som nikdy neexistovala,“ zaznelo jej v duchu. Je zlým človekom? Čo jej vlastne chýba? Prečo sa na ňu vykašle pomaly každá duša, na ktorej jej záleží?
Confusion that never stops, closen walls and ticking clocks...
Potrebovala si vybaiť negatívnu energiu, zlepšiť náladu. Cestou na tréning jej ušiel autobus, meškala. Tréner jej vynadal, skoro nemala čas sa prezliecť do plaviek a už ju strkal do bazéna. Tridsať bazénov kraula, tridsať prsia, udržiavať tempo. 
Bola v tom dobrá, veď voda bola jej elementom, jej živlom. Snažila sa. Rýchlo dobehla ostatných, rýchlo ich predbehla. Súťažila s jej dobrou kamoškou, skončila len pár sekúnd po nej. Tréner sa k nim nahol, vychvaľoval Alex, kamošku, na ňu ani len nepozrel. 
Možno by bolo fajn, kebyže som sa len proste ponorila čo najhlbšie a zostala tam, kým by mi nedošiel kyslík, premýšľala. Zhruba po troch minútach by nastalo bezvedomie. Možno by sa ani neobťažovali ju zachrániť. 
Doma si otvorila internetovú stránku určenú pre inzeráty. Do sekcie ´hľadám´ napísala: Hľadám sa. Značka: súrne.
Sadla si k pustenej televízii, aby aspoň niekto rozprával, a ku studenej večeri. Spoločnosť jej robila iba mačka, ktorá sa jej obtierala okolo nôh. Tíško ju zodvihla zo zeme, posadila vedľa seba a škrabkala.
„Želám si všetko najlepšie,“ zašepkala. Večeru nechala mačke, na úlohy sa vykašľala. Celú noc bude sama, matka išla niekam, otec na služobku, takže ani u neho nemohla zostať. Sama vo veľkom dome. Mohla si robiť, čo len chcela, a predsa ona po tom vôbec netúžila. Túžila, aby tu bol pre ňu ktokoľvek, kto by ju aspoň vypočul. Priala si byť ešte malým dieťaťom, ktoré sa o nič nestará. 
Na stole ležal darček, ktorý venovala mame, no on bol ešte stále neodbalený. Pritom jej ho darovala asi pred mesiacom, keď sa vrátila zo zahraničia, odkiaľ sa vrátiť ani nechcela. Schmatla dar, strhla z neho obal, a šatku si uviazala okolo krku. Tesne, až príliš tesne. Škrtila ju, ale nebolelo to, nie viac ako to, čo bolo v nej. Povolila ju.
Vypla telku, zhasla svetlo v obývačke a kuchyni, skontrolovala vchodové dvere a dvere na terasu, okná. Niežeby sa až tak bála, ale keby im niekto vyraboval dom, vinili by z toho ju. Môj dom, môj hrad.
V kúpeľni sa nepozrela do zrkadla. A načo, uvidela by tam len zúfalo trápne dievča, ktoré sa stále len ľutuje. Pozhasínala a dom upadol do hlbokej tmy. Tmy, ktorej sa ľudia často boja, pretože nevedia, čo sa v nej ukrýva, a ľudia sa boja nepoznaného. Keď už ležala v posteli, zapla si lávovú lampu, usadenú na nočnom stolíku. Modré trblietky svetla tancovali po izbe, zútulnili ju. Zajtra bude hádam lepšie. Ráno to býva lepšie, pomyslela si a dúfala, že je to pravda.