Run Away, devil

He told me it was okay to be scared of what we were about to do. But frankly, I wasn´t scared. I was so excited about that whole thing. I had prepared properly; I made a short list-to-do to myself so that I won´t forget about anything. I packed my bag and took all of my savings. It was easy to smile back then I remember, I was so simply happy. Everything was great, the day was great and we both were great. Yeah, nothing seemed to harm this situation.

That big day, I got up with automatic smile upon face. I ate my breakfast, brushed my teeth, washed my hair. Like every morning; and still it was absolutely different. I could almost touch the desire that swam around and around in the air. Well, at least my parents and siblings acted as usual and seemed not to notice anything. There were holidays on so me and my two brothers and sister didn´t have to go to school. They invited me to have a play of football with them, and because I thought I wasn´t able to just sit and wait I agreed. It was exciting, I must admit. My siblings are really different personalities but we always got along with each other.

By the time afternoon was ending I excused myself for being tired. When I got to my room my heart was beating like a hummer and I felt so light. I redressed myself and got out of our house fast. We were supposed to meet somewhere near the park so I took bus.

He was late, like always. I got used to it. He kissed me hard and I suddenly knew he was not sure. He didn´t tell anything and instead drove the car. I was looking at him for ten minutes, and felt my stomach tight. Joy was replaced by pure adrenaline. Our lives went awkwardly on but our minds stopped on one point and could not move on. Will it work out?

The twilight stood silently upon fields and whole country. We were already on the highway and there were just few cars. He drove like crazy. I opened the window and the air froze immediately. The country behind the windows reminded me of my favourite song:

 In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

If I could make my own world, I would do it that way. Something like it was in that fairytale Alice in the wonderland. But without violence, without people equal to each other. In my world there is no pain, there are no lies. You cannot betray and hurt anybody and anybody can hurt you. Maybe that is why I am running. I could not bear the lies and all that pain anymore. But, well, I got scared like hell when he speeded up to two hundred kilometres. It was quite enough. However, not for him. He continued. I screamed. He suddenly pushed the brake. Fortunately there was no car behind us. Now that I am looking back I am sure I almost coughed my heart out. I hit my forehead and my right eye. There was blood. Lot of blood. I started to laugh.

In that moment, there was this song on the radio:

You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath those city lights
There walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But i'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life.

Can you imagine that feeling when a thought and truth hits you and you realize you had been wrong all that time you had been worrying for something? My mum always told me I have right to do my own decisions in life and to choose what I want from life. Pity that since I have grown up my parents never really let me decide by myself. But what every teenage child do instead of listening to the parents? I think every one of them do it by themselves. It was what I have done, too. I found a boyfriend. And they did not like him. I continued to meet him even when they did not agree. I skipped school. I smoked. I drunk alcohol. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.

The more they tried to keep me under control the more I rebelled. I wanted everything and nothing. I cannot think up any from my thoughts. They were simply blackened.

A flash of light from lamp beside the highway lightened me and I caught a reflection of my face in the mirror. Firstly I did not recognize it- whose face is that? I have changed so rapidly. When did that happen?

What I can simply remember is my dream job. As far as I can remember, I wanted to become a doctor. Maybe surgeon or internist. That was what I was pretending to be. I played with my siblings and pretended to treat them. Once I had operated on my guinea pig. Since that I was not given any other animal. Then, few years ago, at one accident I cut off my finger. It did not hurt that bad. I showed it to mum and she nearly fainted. Since then I was not allowed to take any of the knives we have had at home.

As the years passed by, my desire grew stronger. I was decided. I want to study medicine. I have to study medicine. I will study medicine. But as everything in life, what I wanted was not what I had. My marks were not good. Our biology teacher did not like me. I nearly did not made it to the other grade.

I hated school. But now I must admit I felt just fine there. Well, I have never been that kind of a girl that was so popular and everybody liked her. Or that kind of girl that was hated. I was nearly invisible girl.

When my teenage years came, I felt like I do not belong anywhere. I felt the need to belong somewhere- you know, like a special group of teenagers, the ones you can see in schools- nerds, hotties, punkers, skaters, and so on. But I did not feel like I really belong somewhere. I felt kinda different and thus unspecial. But what is important about being special but in fact being the same? Copying of the ideas was not seen to be uncool then. What I have learned, is that being different really matters. People do not like fakes, even if their are pretending to.

I nearly fall asleep. That is the problem of driving in night. I was little bit afraid of night and darkness. Even though I knew that the bad things do not have to be all dark and doom from the outside. But it was a fear from childhood- I do not remember much, but all I do is that I was walking, and it was quite cold, nearly freezing, I was surrounded by night and a strange mist and I was running. I do not why or what happened. Then suddenly some pair of strange arms were holding me, I was crying and shouting, and that is the point when I always get up in the middle of a nightmare. This dream repeats all over, night by night, from the time I was eight.

            My mobile phone rang. As the signal tone I had a song from Bob McFerrin:

Ain't got no place to lay your head 
Somebody came and took your bed 
Don't worry, be happy 
The land lord say your rent is late 
He may have to litigate 
Don't worry, be happy 
Look at me I am happy 
Don't worry, be happy 

            It was my mum, but I did not answer it. Anyway, I did not want her to know where I am. And I was buying myself more time to think about all that mess in my head.

            If I had rather gone running than this! How I love the feeling of the air shivering through my hair, the freedom of my being, the lightness of body and each pain I feel. It makes me feel alive. Alive and free. But what I love the most about running is how can I think over and solve my problems during running. I try not to think about running and let my mind be blown in other directions. It is a perfect relaxation.

            A small photo came to my sight. There were three persons- my best friends and me. It was a bit old photo taken three years ago. Both of them I knew for what it seemed to me like ages. The three of us now attend different schools in different towns, but we meet every weekend. It feels like a little piece of my old person gets alive and lives for a while. They can make me smile and laugh even in the worst times.

            I smiled. And then I was not sure about that journey. I wanted to run away but in that moment I did not want to. How can I be so sheepish that I do not want to try again and give up everything just because some things do not go the way I want them? I cannot be such a coward. Maybe I should try harder. And be better. I was stupid. But I wanted to change. And now I found the strength.

            He disappeared.  My own devil that made me to do all of this vanished. I hope he will not come back again. And if yes, I need to be prepared.

It was about midnight when I decided to drive back home. Maybe this means a new beginning for me. Maybe not, but it surely means something.